TECHNOLOGY DRIVEN

            So today, I’d like to discuss driving and technology.

    Not necessarily the mix of the two, though that may come into play. I’m talking about driving: how we do it, why we do it the way we do, the way others do it, and what’s wrong with the way that others do it; and technology: our reliance on it, how we deal with its absence, and it makes people more stupid, less social, and general idjits.

    One of my favorites is how people react to change on the road. Not talking about some guy braking for no reason (though that’s ANOTHER thing), I’m talking about how people suddenly forget how to drive when there’s a merge, or rain, or snow, or sun, or other cars on the road… come to think of it, it seems like NOBODY knows how to drive most of the time. Two drops of rain hit the windshield and the brakes slam and brakes scream. Or the sun comes out from behind the clouds and brakes slam and brakes scream. Or the wind blows and brakes slam and brakes scream. You get the picture.

    I love when you’re driving and traffic comes to a complete halt. You wind up driving parade speed for two or three miles, and suddenly it opens up and you’re back to normal speed, no explanation. No accident, no construction, just some schmuck decided to drive super slow for a while. You can never quite figure out who it was, though. Maybe it was the old guy in the Buick who got confused, or the mom in the minivan trying not to strangle her kids, or the meathead douche in the Jeep flirting with the sorority girls in the Jetta in the next lane.  Whomever it is, you don’t care, all you know is they’re in your way and they’re making you late.

    I get a kick out of the random crap you see on the side of the road: caps, cones, tire fragments, a shoe… a shoe? One friggin shoe? And it’s always on the driver’s side. I have this image in my head of some dude tearing ass up the highway with one leg hanging out the window, when suddenly POP!!! Off comes the Nike, bouncing along the shoulder. Next vision is this guy getting to his destination or maybe a rest stop between here and there, hopping between one sneakered foot and one shoeless trying to ignore the curious glances people keep giving him. Same thing with the hats along the highway, some guy upset that the White Sox hat he paid $40 for is now lying in the asphalt-crumb and old cigarette ash-covered shoulder of some freeway because he had to lean his head out the window like a dog for some reason. I do feel sorry for the people who lost furniture or toys. Maybe it was Grandma’s chair that fell off the back of the U-Haul or little Jenny’s favorite dolly that she was holding out the window to pretend she was flying. When I see toys on the side of the road, it kinda makes me sad.

    Not so much for people pulled over or certain accidents. One-car accidents, especially if it’s someone who missed an exit and plowed into a sand-can someone trying to do their hair or makeup while they’re driving… I don’t know, it seems like poetic justice almost. I have different feelings about texting and talking because I know someone who was seriously hurt because of Tex-And-Drive.

    Which brings me to my next subject: the technology on which we have come to rely. Do you realize how entrenched we’ve become in our technology? And how ironic is it that “social media” has made us less social? You see the scene constantly, and I myself am guilty of it: a table of four or five people, or even a Date Night for two, where everyone at the table is enmeshed in their SmartPhone. It’s Facebook or Angry Birds or (grumble)Candy Crush… this has become a world where people don’t send invitation cards with an RSVP date and number on them and instead rely on Facebook Event Pages to tell people of happenings. People become flabbergasted if you tell them you don’t have a phone that can take pictures or sorry, I don’t use text messaging. I remember a time when we were told we couldn’t carry pagers into class when I was in high school, and now it’s almost mandatory for kids to have tablets and SmartPhones and whatever the hell else people are using.

    The weirdest thing for me to witness is how kids are almost born with this innate ability to operate this stuff. My nephew Iz is going to be five, and he can shred your ass in MarioKart. My niece AllieKat could program a TiVo at 4. Yet I, at 37, cannot play Call Of Duty to save my life, nore can I text anywhere near as quickly as I can type. I have a memory of my father getting a PDA form my ex-sister-in-law for Hannukah one year and him struggling not to impale it with the stylus as he fought with how to use the thing. There’s times I feel like doing that with some of MY tech. My computer at home, my computer at work… we rely on them so much we become like junkies on withdrawal if we’re apart from them too long. We start shaking, we get twitchy and agitated… funny. We wonder how we ever did without this stuff when many of us are old enough to remember that we once DID do without this stuff. Remember when you actually had to get up from your couch to pick out a movie and put one on? Remember how long it used to take to call a friend on a rotary phone? Remember when you used to be able to go out and get a song single on vinyl? No? THEN WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?

    I like taking car rides with E because when we’re driving, we’re not on the phone. We talk, we interact, and so much of today’s technology almost forbids that. The funny thing is, people will text or IM each other WHEN THEY’RE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!!! E and I will occasionally do that as a joke, but I find it funny that Mad Magazine in 1989 did a farcical piece about people never having to interact with each other because of technology, and guess what?

   WE’RE HEEEEEEERE.

    Think about that the next time your dinner partner texts you from the other side of the table.